08 Jan Does the no contact rule work?
Most “get your ex back” websites will talk about the no contact rule as the number 1 way to get a guy (or girl) running back to you.
The rule basically states that you cease all contact with your partner after the break-up. No phone calls, no text messages, no liking their posts on social media. By doing so, you give them space to think about things and to forget any nastiness that happened during the break-up. In a sense, you are mirroring. They don’t speak to you, you don’t speak to them. Or maybe they are trying to speak to you, and in this case you can ask for some space. Meanwhile you have time to work on becoming your best self, taking up hobbies, hanging out with friends, enjoying some me-time and perhaps even changing your look.
Your partner might be expecting you to beg, plead and rehash every detail of the break-up, but by acting gracefully and going silent, you will be doing the unexpected. After a week or so, it’s likely this person will be wondering why you haven’t called and what you are up to.
Most people suggest doing the no contact rule for at least 3 weeks, maybe even a few months. Often after the three week period the guy or girl will get in touch, or they may even do it before the three weeks is up. Sometimes it takes longer, but the point is, it’s your best chance of actually getting them back.
But does the no contact rule work in real life?
Well, having tried it myself, I can tell you that it does work…to an extent.
The main issue with the no contact rule is that it’s relatively easy to get them to come back to you, but it’s a lot trickier to actually keep them. You may wish for them to come back to you, but be careful what you wish for…
Let’s take the narcissist. I didn’t make any contact with him for three weeks after he broke up with me. Gradually he started Tweeting me and liking my photos, but I refrained from any sort of contact. Pretty much dead on three weeks, he sent me a text message when drunk asking if I’d like to come over for dinner sometime.
I waited until the morning to reply and we had a conversation, which ended with him asking me if he would be seeing me at a particular social event in the city (which I was). Now at this point, the books will tell you “whatever you do don’t hop straight back into bed with them”. So when I saw him again for the first time at said social event, I made a point to look good, be civil and he even walked me to a taxi at the end of the evening. The problem with a narcissist, however, is that they will lure you back by saying absolutely anything you want to hear. He was soon telling me that he’d missed me, that he hadn’t been with anyone else and was suggesting we meet up again. In the end, I fell for his charms and ended up back in bed with him. But the next day, he was cold and completely switched faces, like Jekyll and Hyde. It was a constant cat and mouse game that went on for weeks until eventually I met someone else and had the strength to walk away from the game.
My point is, I got him back briefly, but he was not the right person for me and I shouldn’t have wanted him back in the first place. I also should have made him wait a lot longer and had an honest conversation about what he wanted. I got him back because narcissists do come back, but he was manipulative and really not very nice to me.
The second time it worked for me was with an incredibly flakey guy I was dating, who wasn’t quite in, wasn’t quite out. We had a big heart to heart one night where he ended up ending things with me because he was thinking about moving. I spent about 3 1/2 months with no contact after that, till I eventually heard from him again and he asked me on a date.
There are many success stories using the no contact rule, proving it can be very effective. Your silence is so much more powerful than crying, pleading, screaming or hassling them. Think to yourself, “If I were the one who did the dumping, how would I want them to behave? What would make me want them back?” Imagine someone begging and screaming…would that make you want them? No.
By going quiet, you have time to be you for a while, and who knows, after a month or so when all the wounds have healed, you may not even want them back. It works because it builds your confidence and it is the method that has the most chance of working if you want to get your ex back.
However, before you think about using the no contact rule to get your ex back, take a minute to think about whether you are right for each other. Of course love is blind, so you’re probably going to think that anyway. But if you’ve always had a niggling feeling in your gut that the person just isn’t right for you, trust it. Only use the no contact rule if you’re absolutely sure that you’re both right for each other.
Have you tried using the no contact rule? Did it work for you? We’d love to hear from you below!