Hey there ladiesssssss
Turner checking in.
With summer dress season rapidly approaching, I thought it would be a good time to drop some knowledge of the inner male psyche, so that new dress gets the flaunting it deserves girlfriend. Preach👊. Anyhow, summer is almost here which means new potential love may be in the air, but I just wanted to check in with you to make sure it is the kind of love you want. Believe it or not, there is many a lad out there only interested in the booty call – which isn’t necessary bad if you too are looking to just get your rocks off with the dirty dirty. However, it is still a good idea to know where you stand with Mr. Late Night and he may not be as forthcoming as he should be. So if your heart it starting to sing, or if you want to pull the plug before you play the broken hearted banjo, here are 4 tell tale signs that he isn’t interested in meeting your grandma and arguing about hyphenating your last name you strong independent woman you.
He only calls or texts you late night
Okay, this one seems like the most obvious as well as the most tried and true method for sussing out horny weasels – for good reason. If he is only texting you romantic sweetness late into the evening, he either has a career as a grave digger, or is only thinking about you as a back up should he fail to woe another lady that night. I think this is so universal that it almost goes without saying, but there is always a girlfriend of yours whose denial runs deep. She may offer some rationale for his late night correspondence – such as “his phone had died earlier”, or “he was having his appendix removed”, but we all know the real reason that horny toad only calls when the clock strikes midnight.
You haven’t met any of his friends
Another give away that you are not on the relationship onramp is that you haven’t met any of Mr. Wonderful’s friends. This Joe could be embarrassed of you (sorry), or just trying to keep all his game on the sly, or maybe he just doesn’t find you important enough to introduce to his life mainstays because he doesn’t think you will be around long – so why invest? And yet still, there is the possibility that he doesn’t have any friends, but that would be an even bigger red flag and intro to American Psycho. So keep an eye out for who your mystery man hangs with. Fun side note – you can tell a lot about a person by the company they keep. If you hate his friends, you may be overlooking some of his qualities…
You never do anything other than hook up or Netflix and chill
Low investment is the hallmark of the booty call. While a late night call and getting straight to business is the most obvious indication of it being a strictly sexual business relationship, doing nothing but Netflix, chilling and sex is the next easiest thing. While Netflix and chilling is good fun and also could be a stepping stone to being seen together in the real world with real humans, too much Netflix and chilling means he only wants one thing, or he is 16 and you are fucking a high schooler you sick fuck.
You don’t get a text response back in a timely reasonable manner
Let’s face it, if you don’t hear back from someone regularly within a reasonable amount of time…that person can go fuck themselves…amiright? Seriously, a few times with some proportional excuses is part of life and should roll off your back – that is the essence of cool after all, but when aloofness becomes the norm or he has a habit of not confirming dates, it is time to seek greener pastures and a better cow to milk. It’s time to Mooooooo-ve on…(you see what I did there?!!)
Wait…but what can I do to make him interested in more than just a hook up?
Well, if all of the above apply to you and your male playmate, than I would say there is very little wiggle room. The best thing to do would be to go cold and establish boundaries – in an assertive, casual way; not a jaded butthurt kind of way. If you get the vibe from him that he digs you more than just sex, i.e. maybe there is a little more of the Netflix and chilling going on than the straight pitch black dark room sex, why not invite him to do something fun that isn’t too romantic or high stakes, like going to happy hour or playing roller hockey. If he declines once but with a good reason you can always feel out the waters later, but to be fair, if you get cool on him and he isn’t chasing you down, it is better to move onto a guy who isn’t just a dog in heat and will invest in the best investment of all: you. [Turner bows as he panders to his audience].