So you and your friend were besties. You did everything together. You took vacations together, went out for dinner together, planned nights out together and even spent the holidays together.
Then all of a sudden your friend gets boyfriend and she ditches you to do everything with him. Suddenly the texts get less frequent, she takes ages to respond and she doesn’t have time for you anymore. When she does meet up, she brings him to the things you’ve planned together, making you feel like a third wheel.
When your friend gets a boyfriend and you’re still single it can be tough, but it’s even tougher if your friend gets overly attached to the people she dates.
While it’s normal fo the dynamic of a friendship to change slightly when one of you gets a boyfriend, it’s not normal if your friend starts lying, withholding information and ditching plans.
It’s one thing for your friend to want to have some alone time with her boyfriend, but it’s not OK if she starts to have zero consideration for your feelings. Unfortunately some girls are just like this. They disappear as soon as they meet a guy, then resurface when it all goes horribly wrong. For a while you console them, hit the dance floor with them, have girly sleepovers and plan trips to help them get over it. Then all of a sudden, they start acting weird and ditch you again because they’ve announced they’re back with their ex.
Not only does it suck to be single and have your friend rubbing it in your face that they have a boyfriend, it also just sucks to feel like you’re the backup plan in case plans fall through with the boyfriend.
If you find your friend starts being flakey about making plans with you, or cancelling and giving made up excuses, then it’s time to have a chat with her that it’s bothering you. If you feel disrespected it’s important to speak up.
What to say if your friend keeps ditching you for her boyfriend
It’s important to try to have these conversations when you’re sober and both relaxed. Definitely don’t do it after a night out of drinking or when tension is running high.
In person, tell her how you feel. Try not to make accusations, instead start your sentences with “i feel”. Describe your feelings, then state the action she took to make you feel that way. For example, if you had plans to go for dinner but she said “let’s rain check” because she has tons of work to do, but then you later learn it’s because she really wanted to go and meet her boyfriend after work, then tell her how that made you feel. Tell her you felt disrespected because of that action.
Try to keep it about the actions and don’t launch into how much you dislike her new boyfriend, even if you really can’t stand him. If you go that route, she’s likely to get defensive and side with her boyfriend even more. Focus on the actions that made you feel ditched, and not on her boyfriend.
After you’ve told her how you feel, tell her that you understand her perspective. Tell her that you realize she’s excited about having a new boyfriend but that it’s important to keep some balance and have time for friends and other things. Suggest some solutions for the friendship going forward.
For example, if she keeps lying to you when it comes to making plans, tell her that you’d appreciate it if she’s honest. Tell her that you’d rather she says she has plans with her boyfriend, than be indecisive and leave you hanging.
It’s scary and uncomfortable to have these types of conversations but sometimes it’s necessary to clear the air. Don’t become hostile or preface the conversation with “we need to talk”. Aim to have the conversation when you’re in a decent mood and speak with a calm, friendly tone. Don’t treat her like your enemy and try to stick to the facts.
If your friend continues to ditch plans and doesn’t make any changes after the conversation, then it might be time to take a step back, distance yourself from the situation and go and make some new friends. While it sucks that a boyfriend could come between a friendship, it’s not worth trying to hold onto a friendship if it’s constantly making you feel used, or like an afterthought. There are plenty of ways you can make friends, from starting new hobbies to attending networking events.
Sometimes people need to learn that you won’t always be waiting in the wings for them. If they choose to neglect their friendships in favor of a boyfriend, they shouldn’t be surprised if the friendships soon fail.