How to manifest your ex back

You came to this post because you’re searching how to manifest your ex back. In fact when I was looking for new topics to write about on this blog I discovered that thousands of you are typing “manifest ex back” into Google. Some are even wondering how you can manifest your ex back in 24 hours.

It seems to be a hot topic! 

So what does it mean to “manifest” your ex back?

Well, by manifesting people are usually referring to using the law of attraction to get your ex back.

What is the law of attraction?

Advocates of the law of attraction say your thoughts are energy and so if you put out positive thoughts then positive things will happen to you. Put out negative thoughts and the universe will give you more of the same. 

Basically if you focus on what you lack you’ll get more of it, but if you focus on the abundance of all the good things in your life, you’ll attract more positive things.

According to the law of attraction, you’re creating your own reality and creating your future. 

In order to put the law of attraction into practice, many people use visualization techniques to visualize whatever it is they want and even act as if they already have it. People also repeat daily affirmations to establish a more positive mindset. 

Using the law of attraction to get your ex back

Well this is the part in the article where I drop the bombshell – I’m a sceptic when it comes to the law of attraction. It’s pseudoscience. 

Yes I misled you a little bit with the title. This isn’t an article on how to manifest your ex back but it is an article on how to give yourself the best possible chance of getting your ex back

Magical thinking cannot get your ex back. You also can’t force your ex to come back. You can’t manifest your ex back while you sleep. But you can take the right actions to give yourself a fighting chance.

Let me explain.

My issue with a lot of articles on exes and the law of attraction is that they usually end with something like “if your ex doesn’t come back then it just wasn’t meant to be and there’s something better for you out there”.

This makes no sense. This statement is just to cover themselves in case your attempts at manifesting your ex back don’t work. If the law of attraction and all these visualisation techniques really did work then the person would come back no matter what. 

If you’re unsuccessful at manifesting what you want then people will often say you’re not doing it right. That you need to really believe it will happen and “let go of the outcome” and it will come to you.

Some people tell you that you can’t manifest a specific person because they have their own free will. Some people believe you can do it if you just “do it right”. 

What all these articles end up telling you is “it might work or it might not” but you’ll be a much happier person at the end of it anyway, and something better will come along.

Can you get your ex back using law of attraction?

The truth is, if you’re going through a breakup right now you’re in a bad place and you’re looking for some hope of getting your ex back. When you’re in despair like that you’ll do whatever it takes to get back the love that you had.

The idea of the law of attraction probably gives you some hope, doesn’t it? It makes you feel like there’s something you can focus on. You can do your daily affirmations and your visualisations and you feel like you’re doing something from a distance. 

In a way, that is a good thing if it stops you from drunk calling your ex or pestering them with text messages begging for them back. But aside from that, you just can’t “will” or manifest someone back with magic. 

There’s no hard scientific evidence that the law of attraction is really a thing. Many people try it and nothing happens. Some people try it and their exes come back but I’d argue it’s because:

  • The ex was going to come back anyway
  • The actions they took helped them to get their ex back, not wishful thinking
  • They gave their ex space and time

Before researching this post I read through a lot of forums to look for law of attraction ex back success stories. I found that a lot of people talked about how their ex came back when they basically let go and stopped trying. 

Now was this down to the law of attraction, or was it simply that they backed off, chilled out and now the ex wanted them back again? 

The simple rule to remember is – people want what they don’t have. It’s basic human psychology. It’s not necessarily some magical force at work. Giving someone time and space allows them to miss you. 

Perhaps you disagree with me on this but in my opinion, no amount of “willing” someone to be with you can make them want to be with you if they don’t. You’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. 

Someone I know was practising the law of attraction, joined “ex back” groups and started following steps to get her ex back. While she was busy doing that he had actually moved on and met someone else. He was having a great time and she was still sitting there saying her affirmations thinking he might come back.

Now I don’t want to be a debbie downer when it’s a difficult time. But there’s an article I want you to read, which basically sums up all my thoughts on the law of attraction.

Here’s a quote from the article Magical thinking why the law of attraction doesn’t work

“If one were to have a stunningly beautiful woman and a very ugly one in the same room, regardless of what their thought patterns and values were, there’s a 99.9% certainty that every male in the room would choose the beautiful woman. No matter how negative the thoughts of the beautiful woman, and no matter how positive the thoughts of the ugly woman, the vast majority of men would still gravitate towards the beautiful women. That’s because beauty (not thoughts) do the attracting…”

Why the law of attraction doesn’t work

The article I mentioned raises a lot of points I’ve thought about. There are just so many events beyond our control. Your ex could get a new job and decide to move away. A natural disaster could hit or a pandemic like COVID could arise that changes everything. You can’t control everything around you using just your thoughts. Life is often random. Sometimes bad things happen to positive people. What you do have the power to control is how you react to life events. A positive, resilient person will see something as a good life lesson, whereas a more negative person might think that life is conspiring against them.

I don’t think there are magical forces at work just by thought alone. I do, however, think that by changing your thought patterns you can believe in yourself and accomplish things. You can also make efforts to improve yourself and your life. 

If we’re looking at attractiveness, there are numerous things that make people more attractive to other human beings. People tend to gravitate towards happy people and they are turned off by anger and grumpiness. That’s not the law of attraction, that’s just common sense. People are attracted to a whole host of other things including beauty, good grooming, communication skills, talent, success, money, confidence, intelligence and other things.

So let’s take a look at how you can get your ex back using human psychology and how you can put yourself in the best possible position to get back together.

Actions to take to get your ex back

Assuming your ex was the one who broke up with you:

Don’t beg for your ex back

Firstly, don’t call your ex up begging for them back. It’s unattractive and if anything it will turn them off. Begging and guilt tripping someone into being with you just isn’t going to work. If you’ve already begged and pleaded, stop. Don’t show up on their doorstep and don’t hound them with phone calls or text messages. The best thing to do is walk away. You want them to want to be with you, which requires giving them space to miss you.

Accept the situation

Next you need to accept the situation. You are exes right now and you broke up. Accept that there’s nothing you can do about it right now. Both parties need time to heal and for the feelings of anger, sadness, bitterness, failure etc to subside. Time heals all things.

Do absolutely nothing

For a while you’re going to do absolutely nothing at all. There are no actions for you to take. You don’t need to call them, text them or do anything. If you need to lay in bed, have a cry or talk about the breakup with your friends then do what you need to do. When it comes to your ex, there’s absolutely no action you need to take, unless you were living together and you need to sort out practical matters.

Use the no contact rule

The no contact rule is exactly how it sounds. You don’t contact them. I know it’s difficult because you’re so used to talking to them and you just want to hear their voice or see a message pop up on your phone. But you need to go no contact for yourself and to give yourself a fighting chance of getting them back. 

It helps you because any further contact can just confuse you and give you false hope of getting back together. You need to give yourself time and space to accept the situation, to move on and to get over the hurt and pain that the breakup has caused. In this no contact period this is the time to focus on yourself and what you really want. 

The no contact rule also helps because it creates space and time for the other person to miss you. If you’re not blowing up their phone they’ll start to wonder how you are and what you’re up to. They’ll miss being able to talk to you too. An ideal amount of time for the no contact period is about 3 weeks to a month.

Focus on yourself

During this time period you’re going to focus on yourself. Start by giving yourself time to relax. Get some rest, take a bath or book a spa day if you need to. Talk to your friends and take time to socialize with them. Go for brunch, have a night out, take a walk in the park…whatever you want to do. When you start to feel a bit better and less emotional, start to think about what you enjoy and incorporate those things into your life. 

You could:

  • Take up a new hobby, or resume an old one
  • Work on a new project or business venture
  • Search for a new job
  • Start a course, study or take an exam
  • Go traveling

By focusing on the things you like to do you’ll start to feel happier in yourself. You’ll also become more attractive to new potential mates, as well as your ex. As I mentioned previously, people are attracted to happy people and to accomplishments.

Refresh your look & post the odd photo

You don’t need to change your look dramatically and cut all your hair off. But a little grooming can make you feel so much better. Once you’ve wallowed in your bedroom for a bit it’s time to get a haircut. Pay a visit to the hairdresser and get out of your sweats. Go shopping and buy yourself some new clothes so that you feel attractive and exude a newfound confidence. You’ll also look great!

Wait for your ex to reach out

Personally I think it’s best if you don’t contact your ex until they contact you. Ideally you want your ex to feel like it was their idea to reach out and to get back together. Usually exes do reach out eventually if you go no contact on them. 

The issue is gauging their intentions when they do. Sometimes they just reach out out of concern for your wellbeing but they have no intention of getting back together. Sometimes they just want an ago boost or they do it because they’re drunk at 2am and they miss the sex. Sometimes they’re hesitant, they think they might want you back and then they remember why they left you in the first place. Sometimes they genuinely regret the breakup and realize that being single isn’t all its cracked up to be. It all depends on the circumstances and the reasons for the breakup.

If they don’t reach out, reach out after 3 weeks/a month

If after three weeks or a month you haven’t heard from your ex, then you could reach out to them. Most of the time your ex will contact you within a month. Sometimes it can take longer. Personally I would hold out as long as you can and not reach out. However, there are instances where exes feel like they want to reach out but they’re afraid. When reaching out, it’s best to be light, breezy and casual. A good example that dating experts often use is the “this reminded me of you” text. For example; “I just walked past (insert place). It reminded me of that time when…”

It’s light, breezy and looks like you just thought of them randomly in the moment, as opposed to pining over them.

Keep conversation light

When you talk to them, keep the conversation friendly and light. Don’t bring up the past and what happened. If your ex contacts you first, let them lead the conversation to see why it is they’re contacting you. Try to mirror the length of the texts they send and don’t send long paragraphs if they’ve only sent you a couple of sentences. If they ask you how you are and what you’ve been up to you can use this conversation to highlight some of the positive things you’ve done like “Finally made it to Bali” or “I started a new job!”.  

Work towards a meetup

Let the conversation flow naturally and see where it takes you. Your ex may suggest a meetup first, which is a positive sign and makes things easy for you. Just don’t cancel plans to see them. If you have plans on the day they’re suggesting then let them know you’d like to meet up another day. Otherwise, you may have to be the one to initiate a meetup. If you do, suggest something that doesn’t feel too intense, such as meeting up for coffee.

Don’t jump into bed without having a discussion about what you both want

If you’re having a good time when you meet up again then it can be tempting to jump straight into bed and try to pick up where you left off. The problem is you’re assuming the other person is thinking the same thing too. Unfortunately, it’s quite possible that they just want to jump into bed for old time’s sake and they don’t have any intention of getting back together. That’s why it’s important to eventually broach the topic of what you’re both looking for. If you both want to give it another try then that’s great but if they’re looking for a no-strings-attached fling with their ex while they’re pursuing other people then it’s time to move on.

Ask yourself: do you really want your ex back?

Above I’ve outlined some of the steps you can take to get your ex back. But the question you should be asking yourself is, “do I really want my ex back?” Often we want our exes back because our egos are bruised and we feel rejected. But if you examine your relationship, was it a good one? Sometimes a relationship is good but people break up because of practical things. Other times people break up because of arguments and general incompatibility. Take time to really dig deep and think about what your relationship was really like. Did it make you feel good or was it full of stress?

A final word…

Phew! This was a long article. I’ll leave you with a final thought. Let’s say that this is the only life we get. We don’t know for sure if there’s reincarnation or a heaven or another dimension. None of us know what comes after this. So if there’s only one life, this life, and you won’t exist after this, how do you want to live your life? It seems to me that the best thing to do is enjoy every little moment we get. So today I challenge you to live in the moment and appreciate all the things around you. When you notice all these small things you start to feel love all around you. 

It sucks right now because you were attached and it’s really hard to get over that attachment. But you can and you will. Whether your ex comes back or not, there’s so much to appreciate in this life and so much you’re capable of. So focus on yourself, live each day the best you can. Start that new business, take up that new hobby, do whatever it is you need to do in this precious time on earth. And don’t waste it on a relationship that doesn’t make you that happy. 

Victoria
vbrewood@gmail.com

Hi, I’m Victoria. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, instead my relationship advice comes from real life dating experience and lessons learnt by trial and error. All the guys I’ve dated have been very different but I certainly came across my fare share of “Mr Unavailable” types, so if you find yourself in a situation with a guy who won’t commit, hopefully these stories will help.

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