what to say when he comes back after disappearing

What to say when he comes back after disappearing?

It can be so confusing when things seem to be going along just fine with a guy and then all of a sudden he disappears of the face of earth. It’s completely natural to start asking yourself what happened…is it something you said? Is he busy? Is he just not that into you? You’re left trying to fill in the blanks. Anything up to a week is usually not worth worrying about, but if he disappears for weeks or even months, this can leave you feeling super anxious and confused.

What’s even more confusing, is when the guy comes back again. Just as you started to get over him, his name flashes up on your phone and your heart skips a beat. At this point some girls getting excited and think “well he must be into me!”, “he must want to go on a date!” but sometimes guys just send a casual text without having any intention behind it. The important thing is to stay calm, feel out the situation and think about your options of how to respond:

Option 1: Ignore

The first option is to say absolutely nothing. Just ignore his text. If you’re over the guy and don’t want to see him anymore then this is the easiest option and it’s also the one that speaks the loudest. Silence speaks much louder than words. You retain your dignity and show him that you’re a high value woman. However, if you really like the guy and you would like to see him again/find out what happened, then this option is also the hardest and the scariest. It might make him chase you and he may well follow up again to try to talk/explain himself. Or he may just not bother with texting again because he thinks you’ve moved on or he wasn’t very invested in the first place. If he was just going through his phone book and looking for an ego boost or a quick shag, then he might not bother again.

The good thing about ignoring is it also buys you time. If you change your mind about texting him back, you could always send him a message a day or two later saying “Sorry I was busy when you text, how are you?” This tells him you have a life outside of him and you’re not waiting by the phone.

Ignoring is a great approach if the guy doesn’t say much in his text. If he just says “hi” or “hey” then that doesn’t warrant much of a response. If he comes back to you with an apology and an explanation of why he disappeared, or even tries to make it up to you, then maybe you’ll consider responding.

Option 2: speak up

The second option is to say something to him about his disappearance. Some women at this point might be so turned off that they give him a piece of their mind. If you don’t care what he thinks and don’t care about seeing the guy again, then by all means, go ahead and send a bitter/sassy text. But be aware he will probably confirm in his head, “wow I had a lucky escape there, she’s crazy”.

From experience I’ve found that trying to communicate with guys about what they’ve done wrong is pointless and only pushes them further away. Especially if done over text. If you want to talk to him about the issue, do it in real life face-to-face when you can gauge his reactions and he has to answer.

But if you do want to say something, try to say something that sounds calm and non-confrontational. What you say will depend a lot on what he says. If you were hanging out a lot and then he disappeared and came back without an explanation, you could just respond with something like “Hey I’m good thanks, haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything OK? This gives an opening for him to explain what happened.

Or you could say something more assertive that communicates your boundaries without being overly emotional, confrontational or reactive.

Option 3: don’t say anything

The third option you have is to just act like you didn’t notice his disappearance. If you’re dating two or three guys or you’re busy with lots going on, you might genuinely not even notice his disappearance.

Respond to him, be friendly, answer his questions and simply mirror him. Feel things out and see what he says. Don’t get too excited and start asking him if he wants to do something or making yourself available. Let him do the asking and the chasing. At this point if you’re keeping your answers short and sweet he might start wondering if you’re still into him.

How to deal with guys disappearing

I want you to imagine something. Let’s flip the situation around. Let’s say you’re dating a couple of different guys at once – let’s call them Mike and Dave. Perhaps you start hanging out with Mike a lot more, but then you realize it’s not quite working out and you did also really like Dave. You message Dave to say hi and see what’s up.

How would you want/expect Dave to react? If he sent you a really bitchy message calling you out on your “disappearance” how would you feel? You’d probably be turned off…you’d find it needy and insecure.

However, if Dave replied “hey, I’m good thanks, how are you?” you’d probably continue the conversation and maybe see him again. And who knows, maybe things could develop into more.

The point I’m making is we live in a society where people are often dating more than one person, or they have busy work lives or they go on vacation. So always imagine things as if the shoe were on the other foot. Sometimes people need time to figure out who they like or for work to quieten down.

So my best advice to you is to focus on your work and your hobbies and go on dates until one of them “claims” you. If you’re not in a relationship, it’s OK to date other people and be open to that. If you have an active and full life then it won’t feel like a big deal if you don’t hear from a guy for a while.

Ok but what if he keeps ghosting?

If you’re OK with occasionally seeing a guy every couple of weeks for a date or casual sex then that’s OK! Texting frequency doesn’t matter.

But if they’re always disappearing and reappearing and it leaves you feeling anxious and upset then it might be time to cut the guy loose. We call this breadcrumbing. If you want more and he’s not really giving you more, it’s probably best to just stop responding to his messages.

Alternatively you could say something like:

(Best done in person) Joe, I’m really digging hanging out with you. Just wondering if you feel the same way? I’d really like to spend more time together and see where this leads so just wanted to guage how you’d feel about that.

If he doesn’t want to then he’ll give you the “it’s not you it’s me” type speeches or tell you he’s not on the same page. Or he’ll be open to the idea and you can take it from there.

Alternative ideas over text:

“Hey Joe, always nice to hear from you but I’ve noticed we don’t talk very often and I’m not sure what’s going on here. Just wondering where your head is at? Would love to spend more time with you and communicate more but if we’re not on the same page then no worries.”

Calling him out, but in a calm manner:

“Hey Joe, it’s been a while now since I last heard from you. I have certain expectations when it comes to dating like regular communication and spending time together. I don’t really have time for people who keep vanishing and reappearing. If things are going to continue as they are then I don’t think that will work for me.”

Bottom line: You know your situation best. If you’re in the very early stages of dating then it’s important to stay relaxed about the whole thing and not have too many expectations. Date different people and don’t worry about how often they text.

If a guy just disappears for the first time, remember that guys often need to take space and it’s quite common for a guy to pull away then reappear feeling better about the situation. Sometimes guys need time to get their thoughts together and process their feelings, but it doesn’t mean he’s lost interest. Give him the benefit of the doubt and respond with a short and simple response. If he says “Hi, how are you?” mirror his actions and say “I’m good thanks, how are you”. If he asks what you’re up to, show him that you’re busy and leading an active life. Feel the situation out, wait for him to ask you out and don’t start volunteering days when you’re free. If he keeps asking if you have plans but doesn’t ask you out, you can respond with “Why, what did you have in mind?” He may well start chasing you again – just be calm, casual, keep your answers short and flirty.

If this is someone you’ve been casually seeing for a long time but they’re always ghosting for periods of time, then it might be time to either block him or speak up and try to communicate with him.


Victoria
vbrewood@gmail.com

Hi, I’m Victoria. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, instead my relationship advice comes from real life dating experience and lessons learnt by trial and error. All the guys I’ve dated have been very different but I certainly came across my fare share of “Mr Unavailable” types, so if you find yourself in a situation with a guy who won’t commit, hopefully these stories will help.

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