he doesn't want a relationship

ASK A GUY: What to say when he doesn’t want a relationship?

Dear Turner,

I recently asked a guy I am seeing about being in a relationship, and he replied that he doesn’t want a relationship. What should I say?

Dear reader,

There is only one thing to say really when a guy says he doesn’t a relationship, and that is FUCK YOU “Goodbye”.

In all seriousness, the answer to this very common question, is what do you really want? Are you okay just dating and having a good time with the aforementioned gentleman? Or are those pesky butterflies telling you being in a relationship is important to you? If not now, then in the future? I sort of understand on some level why women don’t believe men when they tell them things – like “I don’t want to be in a relationship”. And that is a BIG sort of. Women have grown up with Disney movies and romantic comedies that show the same standard plot – guy meets girl, guy is a scoundrel, guy and girl fall in love, insert some dramatic conflict where a guy resorts to his typical ways, guy comes to his senses and realizes ‘she is the ONE’, changes his mind and fights the dragon to get to her in the castle…and so on and so forth. But those are movies and people wouldn’t like said movies if they showed the girl being utterly disappointed and the guy being a dick. We have real life for that after all.

Unfortunately, what typically happens in this scenario is that the guy is telling the truth – he doesn’t want a relationship. Girl says “oh okay then dear” and remains silent on the issue, or more likely, gets mad for a certain period of time, then goes back to him thinking he will change and she will be the one who changes him. While this can happen, and men can be evolve on the issue, it is much better to believe him. Men are literal beings. We aren’t giving you coded messages.

But What Do I SAY to him about not wanting to be in a relationship?

I think it is perfectly fine to ask men if they want to eventually be in a relationship, because if that is something that is important you, you really need to drop him if he doesn’t at all want that. You don’t want to be in a situation 6 months later where are you just finding this out, when you could have asked a lot earlier. Also, if he doesn’t say he doesn’t want a relationship, it’s acceptable to follow up by asking if that is something he wants in the future. He may say that he is open to one, but doesn’t want one now, which I understand frustrates you a bit as it gives you some distant, vague hope. But realize he is being honest and it is also in both of your benefit not to rush into a relationship for the sake of having one. Now, that being said, it is a BIG turn off if a girl reeks of relationship seeking desperation. A girl on the hunt feels to us like a guy in the club just wanting sex from you feels. You feel that ‘yuck’ sensation all over and you want to be as far away from this person as possible.

How to Move into a Relationship with a Guy

I know this answer isn’t probably the one you want, but it is the truth. You have to just not push for one and see how things unfold. Trying to manipulate people into doing things for a desired ‘goal’ will only lead to resentment later and a horrible relationship. Sometimes you will see a guy and it will evolve into something both of you want. Other times, you just have be Zen about the whole affair and realize sometimes relationships don’t pan out in dating.

I think the biggest take away from my meager man advice here is that it is okay to ask the question and know what you want, but expecting the person to be on the relationship page as you from day one maybe a red flag that you have your own internal work to do on yourself. However, also take away that these relationship questions shouldn’t be coming up months and months later. If you are seeing a guy for a few months, it is better to check on things and know when you need to move on to the next opportunity.

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Turner
turnerbarr@gmail.com
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