why do guys never want a relationship with me

Why do guys never want a relationship with me?

Been through a string of “almost” relationships? It often goes something like this; you meet a cute guy, he seems interested, you enjoy spending time together and hooking up. Then all of a sudden he starts pulling away, blowing hot and cold and then eventually when he’s confronted about it he says something like, “I’m not looking for anything serious right now”.

You’re left thinking, “What happened? Why do guys never want a relationship with me?”

There are multiple reasons why guys might not want a relationship with you, which we’ll go into detail here:

You’re just not their “match”, personality wise

Dating is a numbers game and sometimes it’s just pure luck when someone meets the right person. Unfortunately, you may have met a string of guys that you weren’t really compatible with personality wise.

He may think you’re a great woman, just not a fit for him. While men are very visual (sometimes much more so than women), when it comes to finding a long term mate they’re often very good at being rational. Men know they’re looking for someone that they feel they’d be compatible with in the long run.

As women we often completely fall head over heels for a guy based on looks or the “potential” of what a guy could be. The moment we’ve slept with them, all these hormones are released that make us attached to the guy, even if his personality or circumstances might be less than desirable. Women tend to be much more likely to overlook certain aspects of a man’s character because they get attached and focused on the idea of having a relationship.

They don’t find you physically attractive enough

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so what one man finds attractive might not be the same for another. Still, men tend to be very visual and love with they eyes. They often have specific physical traits they’re looking for in a long term partner but they’ll happily sleep with a variety of different women for the experience. For instance, they may have a preference for petite brunettes and always envisioned marrying a brunette, but they’ll sleep with a tall blonde if she’s available and attractive enough.

So it might not be that you’re not attractive, just that you’re not really their usual type.

On the other hand, it could be that you’re going for guys that are a bit out of your league. Where I live in New York there are more single women than there are men. So if a guy happens to be successful AND really good looking, you can bet that he has lots of attractive women interested. He may be chasing after the most attractive one, while keeping the others around for sex or someone to hang out with in the meantime.

Generally speaking, if a guy is a 9 in the looks department, he’s probably going to be looking for a 9 or a 10 in a woman. If the woman is a 9 or 10 and she happens to be high maintenance or have some annoying personality traits, she might fall to a 7 or 8 but he’ll put up with a lot more from her because she’s really, really hot.

I know this because one of my good looking male friends, let’s call him Tim, was dating a very attractive girl who broke up with him. He became desperate to win her back. When I asked him what he liked about her he couldn’t actually think of many nice things to say about her personality but he said she was just “so attractive” and hence why he wanted her more than any of the girlfriends he ever dated.

If you’re a 7 and you happen to have some not-so-great personality traits, then you fall even lower to 5 or a 6. At this point, they end it with you because there’s just not enough there for the guy to want a relationship with you.

You’re choosing the wrong guys

Some guys just don’t want a relationship with anyone. Unfortunately a lot of the time these guys know that they don’t want a relationship from the get go, yet they don’t tell you that fact. They pursue you, act interested, even take you out to dinner, but they’re just doing it to get sex and then the moment they realize you want a relationship, they act distant and bounce.

Why do they do this? Because if they told you they only wanted sex up front, the girl probably wouldn’t agree to it and he wouldn’t get any sex.

Not all guys are like this. I have one male friend who tells women up front that he doesn’t want a relationship. Unfortunately, they often continue seeing him in the hopes that he wants a relationship.

If he says he doesn’t want one, believe him.

Take some time to assess the type of guys you’re choosing. Do you find yourself dating guys that are too young? Perhaps they’re not financially secure or they aren’t where they’d like to be in their career? Perhaps they’re the type of guys that are surrounded by single friends and they don’t know anyone that’s married or in a committed relationship? Or maybe you always choose guys who like to party?

If you can see a pattern, try to choose guys who might be ready for a relationship. Look at their family values and the people they hang around with. Look at whether they’ve shown signs of commitment in the past. Do they have a dog? Do they own a house or are they saving for one? Try to look for signs of stability.

You’re not asking the right questions

Don’t be afraid to ask questions when you go on dates. It doesn’t have to be an interrogation but you can ask the guy what they’re looking for. If they say they’re looking for a relationship or they’d be open to a relationship if they met the right person then you’re on the right track. However, if they say they’re not looking for anything serious or they just want some “fun” then you don’t need to waste any more time on them.

All too often women are afraid to ask questions for fear of seeming too nosy or desperate to have a relationship. They make assumptions that the guy must be looking for a relationship if he chased them or asked them on a date.

The truth is, you can never really make assumptions about someone else’s feelings. Just because he seems flirty and into you doesn’t mean that he wants anything more than just sex.

It’s ok to ask subtle questions at the beginning of getting to know someone. That way you can easily weed out the time wasters and find someone who’s looking for the same thing as you.

You’re having sex too readily

So the old saying goes, why would he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free? If you’re sleeping with a guy and he gets all the benefits of sex without having to commit, then he may just continue on the same way. If you’ve been hooking up for a while and you feel that you need to have the “relationship talk”, don’t shy away from it for too long. If you get the sense that he’s only looking for a hookup or you’re just unsure of where it’s headed, tell him how you feel.

Try to have this conversation in person if you can. If he says he doesn’t want a relationship, that’s your cue to leave. Don’t keep giving him the benefits if he’s not willing to make you his girlfriend. Sometimes a guy needs to lose you to realize what he’s prepared to do to keep you.

You need to work on yourself

Do you find that when you get a boyfriend, you immediately change? Do you become overly attached and start to make them the center of your universe? Do you neglect your friendships and hobbies? If so it might be a good idea to examine your attachment style and try to work on you balance when it comes to friendships and relationships. Working with a good psychologist can help you work through any attachment issues you may have.

It could be that you have an anxious attachment style and not a secure one. If you find yourself constantly looking for signs that the guy you’re dating is losing interest, this is possibly a sign of anxious preoccupied attachment.

Try to look at your own life. Are you the type of person you would want to date? Do you have some financial stability? Do you have your own interests and hobbies? Do you have any negative traits that could be affecting your relationships, such as being controlling, demanding or jealous?

It’s important to be self aware and to be aware of your shortcomings, so you can work on them and bring your best self to the table. Have a think about what your exes said about you. Think about the reasons these guys give for not wanting a relationship with you.

There’s someone out there for everyone. Either you work on changing these traits, or you choose someone who accepts you for who you are. For example if you’re naturally messy, perhaps it’s best to find a guy who doesn’t care about having a messy home.

You have trouble communicating and being yourself

Sometimes when women get a boyfriend or start seeing someone new, they start worrying that the guy will start pulling away or find a reason to end things. This is an understandable fear if you’ve been dumped many times before.

The issue with coming from a place of fear is that you can start trying to contort yourself into the person you think your boyfriend wants. If you’re trying to hold onto a guy, it’s easy to start people-pleasing and not speaking up. You hold everything in for fear of rocking the boat and causing a breakup. You don’t call them out on their behavior and you let them get away with pretty much everything. You don’t enforce your boundaries and you struggle with communicating about the things that upset you.

These things can actually sometimes be detrimental to your relationship. Instead of communicating openly and honestly (in a calm way), you bottle things up, which makes you drift further apart rather than bringing the two of you closer. Men want to feel they can open up to their girlfriend about their fears. They want to feel safe. Likewise, they want you to open up too.

Conversely, some women do the opposite and start acting out. They look for signs that their boyfriend isn’t committed and start to analyze his behaviour, trying to finding hidden meanings in things they do or say. They constantly point out things that their boyfriend is doing wrong or ask where the relationship is headed, which in turn, makes the boyfriend back away, for fear of “drama”. Things like demands, ultimatums and pressure to move in together can soon take a toll on a relationship.

The best thing you can do is learn to communicate effectively. Remember to start sentences with “i feel”. For example, instead of saying “you never have time for me”, you could say something like, “I feel like we don’t spend as much time together as we used to and i’m just wondering if things are ok.” Try to say calm and don’t make accusations or say harsh things about your boyfriend that you’ll later regret.

Bottom line

Don’t give up hope. Just because you haven’t met the right guy yet doesn’t mean that you won’t find one. Take your time to really assess compatibility before rushing head first into a relationship. Ask plenty of questions, observe the person’s behavior and ask yourself, “would I want to be friends with this person if the sex wasn’t there?” At the end of the day, being stuck in a bad relationship is way worse than being single.

Victoria
vbrewood@gmail.com

Hi, I’m Victoria. I’m not a psychologist or a therapist, instead my relationship advice comes from real life dating experience and lessons learnt by trial and error. All the guys I’ve dated have been very different but I certainly came across my fare share of “Mr Unavailable” types, so if you find yourself in a situation with a guy who won’t commit, hopefully these stories will help.

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