So, you’re applying the no contact rule and you’ve gone a couple of weeks, a whole month, or perhaps even 60 days without reaching out to your ex. At this point, you’ve found yourself wondering, “Will my ex come back after no contact?”
No contact is really, really hard when you’re so focused on one outcome…getting your ex back. It’s tough living with the unknown, not knowing if they’ll reach out or if all of this is even worth it.
Is it really possible for an ex to come back by using the no contact rule?
The answer is, it’s highly likely they’ll reach out, but less likely that they’ll come back for good and want to get back together. That’s the cold, hard truth.
What happens during the no contact rule
After a guy or girl dumps you, initially they might feel guilty but then this soon fades into relief and excitement. They’re exicted to be single, to be free and to be able to do whatever they want. They’re thinking about all the things they can do with that newfound freedom.
Meanwhile, they’re expecting you to blow up their phone and plead with them to reconsider. But when you don’t (because you’ve been implementing no contact) they start to wonder why you’re not doing so.
Suddenly the dumper starts to feel a bit rejected and wonders why you’re not putting up a fight. When they realize that singledom isn’t necessarily all it’s cracked up to be, that’s when they start to miss you.
After the dust has settled they start to forget about all the things that went wrong in the relationship. They forget about the things that were said during the breakup and they start to remember things a little more fondly.
So eventually, yes, it’s highly likely that the person will shoot off a text to see how you are or what you’re up to. They’re probably curious.
But the question is, why are they reaching out? Is it because they genuinely feel like they’ve made a huge mistake and want you back, or is it just their ego that’s taken a knock because you haven’t been in touch?
Some exes don’t want to feel like the bad guy/girl, so they reach out just to seem like a decent human being who’s concerned for your welfare.
Does the no contact rule work?
I’ve applied the no contact rule in the past and it always worked in getting the guy to reach out. 100%, every time.
But in truth, it’s usually ended up being because the guy wanted sex again and he was testing my boundaries to see if he could have me one more time. It wasn’t an “I’ve made as huge mistake”. It wasn’t some grand romantic gesture like in the movies.
This ended up in even more heartbreak, flip flopping and confusion.
The only time a guy who broke up with me actually returned, it was the very next day. He said he’d been an idiot, he was crying all the way home in the car and could we just forget it all happened. We made up and dated for another year before he ended up having to move away.
I had a friend who patiently applied the no contact rule and then eventually reached out to the guy herself to make light conversation. A lot of dating experts say it’s OK if the dumpee reaches out, as opposed to the dumper.
She said she felt awkward doing this and although he replied, she felt like he might just be doing it out of politeness. Some days he would take a while to respond and the conversation never really ended up flowing. In the end she gave up and a few weeks later saw on social media he was dating someone new.
What made her feel so sad is that she had spent the entire 30 days no contact thinking incessantly about him every day. She was so desperate for the no contact rule to work and had built her hopes up by reading all the chats in “ex back” Facebook groups. When he seemed friendly but not very responsive, they told her to take a few days break and then try again but she knew in her heart it wasn’t really working.
After that, she said she learnt her lesson and wouldn’t get her hopes up in the future. If a boyfriend broke up with her again, she would use the no contact rule, but only for herself.
Yes, there are of course success stories. I’ve seen these stories in Facebook groups and in forums. Some people get back together and they get married But in truth, it depends on the individual relationship. No-one can tell you whether your ex is going to come back or not.
But what you CAN do is make sure you give yourself the best chances of getting your ex back.
A lot will depend on how you act when your ex reaches out.
The worst thing you can do is act out of fear. When your ex reaches out you need to be the most confident, best version of yourself. No giving in to late night booty calls or moments of passion. No heavy texts.
Keep the conversation light and funny. Take it slow. Use it as a chance to remind them of all your best qualities and to show them how well you’re doing on your own.
Remind them of the good times and not the bad. The idea is that you want to move from texts, to phone calls and then eventually, a meet up. For some great tips and actions that work based on psychological studies, check out James Bauer’s presentation on the Relationship Rewrite Method.
If you acted needy or insecure in the past, then avoid those behaviors. The last thing you want to do is make your ex feel like you’re launching a campaign to get them back. Your new life is great, with or without them.
Avoid getting into “persuasion mode” but when the time is right, do communicate clearly with them about what you both want going forward. Don’t hop into bed again without this chat because it could end in tears if you find out they just missed the sex.
So to summarize, there is absolutely no way to know if your ex will come back after no contact BUT, you can definitely increase your chances by doing the right things.
More importantly though, the no contact rule shouldn’t be used with the sole focus of getting your ex back. The more desperate you are for it to work, the more the outcome is likely to slip away from you.
What the no contact rule should be for is YOU. Use that time to heal. It gives you time to get over the breakup without the essay texts and the back and forth.
It gives you a chance to remember who you are and to work on yourself. Reconnect with your friends, focus on your work, your hobbies…pamper yourself. By the end of it, you may not even want your ex back.